project runway

are you in or are you out?

(no subject)
she turns to him and asks if she can kiss him. he hesitates and wonders what this all means. but he couldnt resist her even in her drunken state. it almost heightens her sexiness at this point. as she leans over and makes the first lunge, hes startled at her ferocity. it became quite evident that her thirst needed to be quenched by his lips which were her oasis.

all he knew how to do at that point was to close his eyes and follow her lead. this was his friend after all. there was never a hint of attraction before that point and now he found himself locking lips with this beauty along with the occasional tongue lashing here and there. the breathing gets heavier as the two begin to slow it down a bit and really begin to feel one another as if every fiber of their sense of touch was honed in on their lips. he writhes in his seat as she starts to climb over onto the driver's side to a point where she is almost straddling him.

he begins to tremble. a shaking that became increasingly violent as they progressed through the wee hours of the morning. she stops and begins to notice. she awakens from her drunken stupor to finally realize what was really happening. he lays there breathing heavily. trying to catch his breath. he apologizes and admits that this is not something he is used to doing and feeling. to his surprise, she caresses his face and kisses him gently on the cheek. she reassures him in a whisper that it's alright and begins to kiss him with much softer and gentler lips.

he sighs and begins to fall into a trance. the blood rushes out of his brain and into his heart and his cock. no thoughts were running in either of their minds as they continue to create moment after moment of pure bliss. but just as quick as it had began, it ended. they both stare into one another's eyes as reality took over. she exits his car. as he begins to turn on the ignition, he hears his door opening to which he looks over and he is greeted with another kiss by her. the one that seals the deal.

no more words were spoken that night. its as if things had never happened. they laugh. they talk. but they never bring that night up again. at least not with one another.

(no subject)
this will be my 1201 entry on this here livejournal. hello again. this is not a comeback. i never left. i was just living a life that had me in a tizzy. i want to get back into writing again. i want to be organic again. i dont want things to feel manufactured for the consumption of the general public. i yearn for that refreshing new thing thats going to help redefine things for me from here on out. im still that same old go-getter. just a little bit worse for the ware, but im hanging in there. my body is losing focus and i hope to regain that back again soon. i miss you old me.

(no subject)
if you are going to burn bridges, make sure that youre going to be able to traverse those treacherous waters one day. because as hopeless as it seems at the moment, there will come a time where you will be reunited with that person again whether you like it or not. so come armed with a life jacket and be prepared to sink or swim.

shot down
sad songs are the only things getting me through this... i hate myself.

fare thee well
not that there needs to be any public service announcement being made on any kind of changes in my life, but i felt the need to address this issue now to be able to look back on this state of mind and change that i plan to embark on.

at 24 years old, ive realized that life is going to be riddled with many unanswered questions. and that no matter how long we take or how deep we look into ourselves to find those answers, sometimes they just never come to fruition. youre left to figure out why these questions are still relevant to our everyday lives. sometimes we dwell on things or people because its what we know best. the vicious cycle repeats itself because every time we try to step out of our box of comfort we always get tempted to return to our safe haven of what we have only known to be right in our lives. whether its the poison thats as sweet as honey or the pain that numbs the emotions, it something that we endure in order to provide sanity in this unstable world.

its not that im attempting to close myself off to the world. on the contrary, im ready to explore it. as much as im always going to always have a place in my heart for what i love, i yearn for the day that i can think about those things now without having to shed a tear because of it. learning to let go of something you feel that is always going to be a part of your life is going to be the most difficult task that i will face in my lifetime but i have to be strong enough to accept that its the reality of my world. i want to look back on my past and be proud of it, and not always have to regret it because of all the mistakes that we had made.

confronting and accepting this challenge makes it that much harder for me to concentrate on the purpose of this whole note. a part of me feels as if im betraying myself as a person because i figured persistence is the key to success. and to a degree i believe that to be true. but if i want to be persistent about something then it has to be something that is worth being persistent over. and ive come to the conclusion that ive never been on the receiving end of ever knowing how it feels to be whatever it is i needed to be feeling. if i questioned it before then why isnt that a question worth bringing up now.

ive noticed the trend that im more happier when i follow my heart and do whatever it is i need to do in order to just provide myself the best opportunity to live my life. i tried to be dependent on somebody else but that person cannot even find it in his heart to forgive me for my mistakes. and after everything that i have put myself through for that person, i just figure it to be a lost cause now. im sorry if youre reading this but i just came to realize what you had already known since the beginning of our relationship with one another. that we werent meant to be together. at least not forever.

being heartbroken is such a painful way to live your life. its probably something that will take years before i can fully be healed from it. more tears come crashing down after you realized all the tears you had wasted. its just difficult. but i have to learn to face adversity and tackle it head on. now i know im not the most hard working or the most diligent when it comes to confrontation, but i am passionate. i will endure as much as my heart can handle because in the end thats all and the best i can ever offer to anyone in this world.

so to that, ill just say this. i believe love exists. at one point i thought i was in love. and though no one involved can deny that love was present at certain points, it just never realized its full potential within the time frame it was given. the time has passed along with the feelings as well. goodbye once and for all. i thought i was doing right but i have come to find out that i was nothing but wrong. i cant say that im a firm believer of love anymore, but i know that i am capable of being able to let go for the sake of letting real love take over someday for either of us.

burned out but ready to be ignited again
the month of july has done nothing but be all about the unveiling of a new me. i came in determined to make a statement that was brash and unapologetic, and i couldnt be anymore happier with the results. throughout all of these drastic changes, i have made a significant effort in staying true to who i am and not relish in the changes as if im trying to be something im not. its innate and it has always been there. i just needed the right keys to the ignition to get me revved up and raring to go.

from here on out its going to be hard to look back and figure out where my life went wrong before, but i felt that i have been given the much needed second chance that i was searching for. this new outlook on life has not come at a better time too seeing as how im ready to move on and tackle a new part of my life which calls for a more global approach in how i view things. holding back is no longer an option. i have to be confident in knowing that the opportunities are there and that i am the only one in control of my own life. my life does not belong to you and to anyone else for that matter.

as i look back on this past month and see the exponential growth and maturity that i have gone through, i really am happy for once about where my life is going. a lot of that has to do with letting go and moving on. whats gone is gone. maybe not for good, but in the time of its absence i cant dwell or hope that things will be the same the next time we meet up down the road. i have to constantly strive for improvement. but now more than ever it has to be at a competitive pace in which i can be ready for whatever is being thrown at me at any given moment.

i have a focus and goal in life that only i could begin to understand. trust that im going on to bigger and better things in life. but im open to a lot of new endeavors right now and who knows where those might take me. but i figure that if im grounded and confident with my morals and standards, that i have the potential to partake in whatever it is life has in store for me. its all relative in the end anyways. so cheers to this upcoming year and to the stark potential it has to being a significant one to my life.

the crackdown of the pseudo mid-life crisis
heres another random journal entry. this past week has been insane in the membrane, so many different emotions fluttering in and out of my head and i feel that i never really get to step back and process it all. i mean im in good standing with a majority of the things going on in my life aside from a couple glaring hinderances that happen to come around here and there. but in general the momentum has shifted towards something more positive for myself. ive been challenging myself in various aspects of my life which include becoming healthier with some of the more careless habits that i feel could now be held and stuck in the past for good. ever since ive graduated its been my year to fuck up and bask in my glory of being a college graduate. ive never been the type of person who was very goal oriented or set any long term goals for myself. but now this feeling of responsibility has come over me and i feel that is it absolutely necessary to take the reins and become more of an adult nowadays with the decisions that im subjected to make. ive always had this insecurity about actually growing up and being an adult. now that ive seen that juvenile decisions amount to nothing but perpetuating the insecurities of my past, i have to constantly be in a battle with myself about how to better conduct myself as an adult and more importantly as an individual. this doesnt necessarily mean that im not the same down ass chick from before but i think there are several milestones in life that we have to accept and just create a change from no matter if its something we are ready for or not. i dont intend on letting certain opportunities pass me by and if the mistakes of my past do come to haunt me in my present then i can do nothing but just take it as the mistake that it was and continue to establish a newfound foundation towards a better me. so heres a goal for myself that i intend on keeping for the time being: i will not let my fuck ups define who i am. i am a grounded individual who believes in accepting change without ever compromising my standards just to conform to other's. and gosh darn it im willing to bend over backwards for whoever shows me the same respect but i have to put my foot down and say that if i dont stand for something that i can call my own, then my gullible ass is likely to fall for anything. thats just how i roll bitches.

i just want to be successful
my uncle called me the other day while i was out with my family celebrating my parents' 26th wedding anniversary at the casino. i was in the midst of breaking even on a slot machine that i had been sitting on for about an hour or so when i took his phone call. he asked me what the family was up to and how my life was going. it was your typical catch up conversation that you would have with anyone you hadnt really spoken to in a long time.

being that hes from the bay area, i was telling him about potential summer plans to come up and visit his family and some of my friends again like last summer. he then asked me why i didnt come around this past weekend up to the bay. i sat there confused and i followed up his question with one of my own asking him why he thought i would be there this past weekend. in which he responded without any hesitation, "well pride was this weekend." we shared a laugh with one another over that comment as we ended the phone conversation with his always open and inviting invitation up to the bay once again. i dont know how i could top my epic bay area getaway from last summer. but im determined to make the best of it the next time i find myself up there.

thanks uncle. and you might potentially see this since we are friends on facebook but i just wanted to let you know that that made me feel really special at that moment. thanks again and i love you for that. i cant wait to see you and the family sometime this summer.

thanks jet antonio
im not one really to name drop in any of my journal entries since the beginning of time. but i am more than happy to name drop jet antonio on here because i think hes probably the one person that ive been dying to get to know better but havent really in the past year or so. so this is my cry out to you jet. id like to get to know you better. there i said it. phew.

anyways he sent me this interesting survey in which it figures out my personality type. i will say that this definitely fits me to a 'T' and its kind of scary. but im all about these kinds of things because i think its a good gauge on where my life is now and where it can potentially go from here. so im just going to cut and paste the results and you can let me know if you think theyre accurate or not. is this how you perceive me?

its a lot to read but it gives a good glimpse as to who i am as person if you dont have a clue who i am aside from that weird britney fan who does random facebook videos. eww.


Extroverted Sensing Thinking Judging
The Enforcer

Practical, traditional, and organized. Likely to be athletic. Not interested in theory or abstraction unless they see the practical application. Have clear visions of the way things should be. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Exceptionally capable in organizing and running activities. "Good citizens" who value security and peaceful living.


As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.

ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn't meeting their standards. But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.

The ESTJ is usually a model citizen, and pillar of the community. He or she takes their commitments seriously, and follows their own standards of "good citizenship" to the letter. ESTJ enjoys interacting with people, and likes to have fun. ESTJs can be very boisterous and fun at social events, especially activities which are focused on the family, community, or work.

The ESTJ needs to watch out for the tendency to be too rigid, and to become overly detail-oriented. Since they put a lot of weight in their own beliefs, it's important that they remember to value other people's input and opinions. If they neglect their Feeling side, they may have a problem with fulfilling other's needs for intimacy, and may unknowingly hurt people's feelings by applying logic and reason to situations which demand more emotional sensitivity.

When bogged down by stress, an ESTJ often feels isolated from others. They feel as if they are misunderstood and undervalued, and that their efforts are taken for granted. Although normally the ESTJ is very verbal and doesn't have any problem expressing themself, when under stress they have a hard time putting their feelings into words and communicating them to others.

ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.

The ESTJ puts forth a lot of effort in almost everything that they do. They will do everything that they think should be done in their job, marriage, and community with a good amount of energy. He or she is conscientious, practical, realistic, and dependable. While the ESTJ will dutifully do everything that is important to work towards a particular cause or goal, they might not naturally see or value the importance of goals which are outside of their practical scope. However, if the ESTJ is able to see the relevance of such goals to practical concerns, you can bet that they'll put every effort into understanding them and incorporating them into their quest for clarity and security.


ESTJs are very enthusiastic people who are driven to fulfill their obligations and duties, especially those towards their families. Their priorities generally put God first, family second, and friends third. They put forth a tremendous amount of effort to meet their obligations and duties, according to their priorities. They are dedicated and committed to their relationships, which they consider to be lifelong and unalterable. They like to be in charge, and may be very controlling of their mates and children. They have high esteem for traditions and institutions, and expect that their mates and children will support these as well. They have little patience and need for dealing with people who see things very differently from the ESTJ.

ESTJ Strengths
● Generally enthusiastic, upbeat and friendly
● Stable and dependable, they can be counted on to promote security for their families
● Put forth a lot of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations
● Responsible about taking care of day-to-day practical concerns around the house
● Usually good (albeit conservative) with money
● Not personally threatened by conflict or criticism
● Interested in resolving conflict, rather than ignoring it
● Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
● Able to move on after a relationship breaks up
● Able to administer discipline when necessary

ESTJ Weaknesses
● Tendency to believe that they are always right
● Tendency to need to always be in charge
● Impatient with inefficiency and sloppiness
● Not naturally in tune with what others are feeling
● Not naturally good at expressing their feelings and emotions
● May inadvertently hurt others with insensitive language
● Tendency to be materialistic and status-conscious
● Generally uncomfortable with change, and moving into new territories

ESTJs as Lovers

When an ESTJ says "I do", you can bet that they will put forth a tremendous amount of effort and energy into fulfilling their commitment to the relationship. They seek stability and security in their lives, and once they have made a commitment, it is lifelong and unalterable. They bring with them into the relationship a strong and dependable nature, which is oriented in traditions and security. They are highly energetic people, who never seem to lose their energy when performing duties and fulfilling obligations.

ESTJs usually feel very strongly that they are right and that if everyone else would listen carefully to what the ESTJ has to say, then they would understand the way things really are, and the world would be a better place. Such a strong, confident self-image is an asset in many ways, but can also be a detriment in close interpersonal relationships, if the ESTJ's mate does not feel valued for their contributions as an individual. This is a potential pitfall for ESTJs, who should try to be aware of the fact that other people have things to offer, even if they do not exactly follow the ESTJ's way of thinking. If it's not possible to do this on a larger scale, the ESTJ should perhaps focus on this area with respect to their partner's contributions.

Sexually, the ESTJ is likely to be robust, enthusiastic, and athletic. They will tend to be traditional, and to expect sexual encounters on a relatively scheduled basis. They're likely to approach intimacy as a physical experience of closeness, rather than as an opportunity to express and receive expressions of love and affection. The ESTJ will probably have to work on remembering to express their feelings verbally, but their mate's appreciation will make it well worth it for those who do.

In many ways, ESTJs are Guardians and Protectors by nature. They enjoy shielding and protecting their families, and are usually quite good at it. Their partners will appreciate and enjoy the benefits of the ESTJ's efforts in this respect, but they may also resent the more controlling aspects of the ESTJ's personality, which goes along with their strong desire to shield their loved-ones. The ESTJ may consider it their duty to instruct their spouses how to behave or what attitude to take in certain situations, which may not be appreciated.

Conversely, the ESTJ freely gives approval and affirmation when they are happy or impressed with their mate's behavior. Whether positive or negative, the ESTJ's expression can be taken at face value, because these individuals are very honest and forthright about how the feel.

ESTJs enjoy spending time with others socializing, and are likely to strongly desire that their partners also take part in these social activities. They are especially interested in any event which is associated with the family, work, or any organization which the ESTJ is part of. Since they are social creatures, they're likely to bring an emphasis on socializing to the relationship - but only after all of their work is done.

ESTJs are not naturally in tune with what others are feeling, and they may even tend to be very unobservant in these respects. This can cause problems with mates who have a Feeling preference, who may feel hurt or neglected by the ESTJ. If these feelings are pointed out to the ESTJ as an important dynamic of the relationship, rather than harbored internally by the Feeler, the ESTJ is likely to attempt to be more aware of their mate's feelings and emotions.

The ESTJ gladly performs their duties in life, and wants to be appreciated for doing so. This is the greatest gift that their mates can give them - gratitude.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ESTJ's natural partner is the ISTP, or the INTP. ESTJ's dominant function of Extraverted Thinking is best matched with someone whose dominant function is Introverted Thinking. The ESTJ/ISTP combination is ideal because it also shared the Sensing way of perceiving the world, but the ESTJ/INTP combination is also quite good.

ESTJs as Friends

Although ESTJs typically put their family above their friends, they do enjoy and value their friendships. They enjoy having fun and spending time with others, especially those who share their interests and pursuits. They are likely to choose to spend free time with friends pursuing some activity or hobby - probably athletic or sports-oriented. They're likely to socialize quite a bit with their own family members, and with people who belong to the same organization or institution as the ESTJ.

ESTJs are usually status-conscious, and will respect others who they feel have achieved a high degree of success in our society. Although ESTJs have very high standards for behavior, and believe that they know what is appropriate and best in any given situation, they're likely to be less controlling with those who they feel are powerful individuals.

ESTJs will have little patience with people who seem frivolous or extremely untraditional. Conversely, those who live entirely in the current moment (Sensing Perceivers) may not appreciate the ESTJ's strong judgments, which may seem overly traditional to them. ESTJs are likely to bond best with other ESTJ, or with people of any type, if they share a common interest or goal.

ESTJs tend to be enthusiastic, sharp, and witty. They like to hear good jokes, and enjoy telling them as well. They're valued by their friends for being dependable and upbeat, and easily engaged in various pursuits.

The ESTJ is generally very opinionated, and likes to appear authoritative and in charge. They may temper this tendency when around other ESTJs whom they value. Around other types, this tendency may cause them to be abrupt and direct, to the point where they inadvertently step on people's toes.

intense make out sessions without the slobber and herpes
im really tired. i didnt want to put the effort out to write something but i feel that its necessary to do so. it has been eight years since i have been writing in this journal. its been a lot more off than on these past couple of years but its always managed to capture the keen kodak moments of my life. whether they reflected the good, the bad, or the ugly times.

on the drive home i felt the pain throbbing as if it was harry potter's scar reacting to whatever the hell it reacts to. the pain resurfaced and i couldnt do anything about it but grin and bear it. but a rush of emotion came over me and cried at the realization of the situation that i had tried to lock up and never bring up ever again. i figured that i was more overwhelmed at the reality of what literally had hit me at that moment and the tears just came.

usually i find the tears to come about through some kind of verbal or physical provocation on a second party's part. but this time around it was different. i wasnt afraid to let it out as the words of wisdoms from friends just kept echoing in my mind. sometimes its not essential to always put my best foot forward. so even though it was in the company of just me, myself, and i; i felt i needed to just cry for me. it was awkward to be in touch with myself but i guess the gravity of the situation just took over.

here i am just driving. the incident just replays over and over again. i wince in pain. i start to feel a debilitating feeling as that spot continues to throb in pain. it was as fresh as the initial strike. i think i was more sad that i found myself to be in that position in the first place. no matter what the circumstances were its just something that has become a part of who i am now. and i think the damage is irreparable.

i noticed that i havent really laughed or smiled real heartily within these last couple of months. ive been overwrought with so much to deal with that its hard for me to even pretend anymore. it sucks to be sad. its definitely no fun. but through all of this comes something potentially better for me in the near future.

by the way, i really cant be thankful enough to those who have afforded me the opportunity to just be honest with myself for once. as much as it pains me to realize how tragic the situation can be i think im just glad that i was able to open up a side of myself that i probably have never experienced for myself let alone with other people. i never expected to open up like that but i truly am glad that i did. i really do feel better about myself now that ive no longer kept that fear bottled up inside of me. it just felt good to let it out.

oh livejournal of eight years. you never fail to listen to me either. and i thank you for letting me chronicle my life in your space for so long. no matter how trivial or how superficial i tend to often be when it comes to writing about things.


Log in