im really tired. i didnt want to put the effort out to write something but i feel that its necessary to do so. it has been eight years since i have been writing in this journal. its been a lot more off than on these past couple of years but its always managed to capture the keen kodak moments of my life. whether they reflected the good, the bad, or the ugly times.
on the drive home i felt the pain throbbing as if it was harry potter's scar reacting to whatever the hell it reacts to. the pain resurfaced and i couldnt do anything about it but grin and bear it. but a rush of emotion came over me and cried at the realization of the situation that i had tried to lock up and never bring up ever again. i figured that i was more overwhelmed at the reality of what literally had hit me at that moment and the tears just came.
usually i find the tears to come about through some kind of verbal or physical provocation on a second party's part. but this time around it was different. i wasnt afraid to let it out as the words of wisdoms from friends just kept echoing in my mind. sometimes its not essential to always put my best foot forward. so even though it was in the company of just me, myself, and i; i felt i needed to just cry for me. it was awkward to be in touch with myself but i guess the gravity of the situation just took over.
here i am just driving. the incident just replays over and over again. i wince in pain. i start to feel a debilitating feeling as that spot continues to throb in pain. it was as fresh as the initial strike. i think i was more sad that i found myself to be in that position in the first place. no matter what the circumstances were its just something that has become a part of who i am now. and i think the damage is irreparable.
i noticed that i havent really laughed or smiled real heartily within these last couple of months. ive been overwrought with so much to deal with that its hard for me to even pretend anymore. it sucks to be sad. its definitely no fun. but through all of this comes something potentially better for me in the near future.
by the way, i really cant be thankful enough to those who have afforded me the opportunity to just be honest with myself for once. as much as it pains me to realize how tragic the situation can be i think im just glad that i was able to open up a side of myself that i probably have never experienced for myself let alone with other people. i never expected to open up like that but i truly am glad that i did. i really do feel better about myself now that ive no longer kept that fear bottled up inside of me. it just felt good to let it out.
oh livejournal of eight years. you never fail to listen to me either. and i thank you for letting me chronicle my life in your space for so long. no matter how trivial or how superficial i tend to often be when it comes to writing about things.
are you in or are you out?
- intense make out sessions without the slobber and herpes