project runway

are you in or are you out?

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fare thee well
not that there needs to be any public service announcement being made on any kind of changes in my life, but i felt the need to address this issue now to be able to look back on this state of mind and change that i plan to embark on.

at 24 years old, ive realized that life is going to be riddled with many unanswered questions. and that no matter how long we take or how deep we look into ourselves to find those answers, sometimes they just never come to fruition. youre left to figure out why these questions are still relevant to our everyday lives. sometimes we dwell on things or people because its what we know best. the vicious cycle repeats itself because every time we try to step out of our box of comfort we always get tempted to return to our safe haven of what we have only known to be right in our lives. whether its the poison thats as sweet as honey or the pain that numbs the emotions, it something that we endure in order to provide sanity in this unstable world.

its not that im attempting to close myself off to the world. on the contrary, im ready to explore it. as much as im always going to always have a place in my heart for what i love, i yearn for the day that i can think about those things now without having to shed a tear because of it. learning to let go of something you feel that is always going to be a part of your life is going to be the most difficult task that i will face in my lifetime but i have to be strong enough to accept that its the reality of my world. i want to look back on my past and be proud of it, and not always have to regret it because of all the mistakes that we had made.

confronting and accepting this challenge makes it that much harder for me to concentrate on the purpose of this whole note. a part of me feels as if im betraying myself as a person because i figured persistence is the key to success. and to a degree i believe that to be true. but if i want to be persistent about something then it has to be something that is worth being persistent over. and ive come to the conclusion that ive never been on the receiving end of ever knowing how it feels to be whatever it is i needed to be feeling. if i questioned it before then why isnt that a question worth bringing up now.

ive noticed the trend that im more happier when i follow my heart and do whatever it is i need to do in order to just provide myself the best opportunity to live my life. i tried to be dependent on somebody else but that person cannot even find it in his heart to forgive me for my mistakes. and after everything that i have put myself through for that person, i just figure it to be a lost cause now. im sorry if youre reading this but i just came to realize what you had already known since the beginning of our relationship with one another. that we werent meant to be together. at least not forever.

being heartbroken is such a painful way to live your life. its probably something that will take years before i can fully be healed from it. more tears come crashing down after you realized all the tears you had wasted. its just difficult. but i have to learn to face adversity and tackle it head on. now i know im not the most hard working or the most diligent when it comes to confrontation, but i am passionate. i will endure as much as my heart can handle because in the end thats all and the best i can ever offer to anyone in this world.

so to that, ill just say this. i believe love exists. at one point i thought i was in love. and though no one involved can deny that love was present at certain points, it just never realized its full potential within the time frame it was given. the time has passed along with the feelings as well. goodbye once and for all. i thought i was doing right but i have come to find out that i was nothing but wrong. i cant say that im a firm believer of love anymore, but i know that i am capable of being able to let go for the sake of letting real love take over someday for either of us.


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