- February 23rd, 2009
heres 25 things you probably dont and wouldnt want to know about me. lets go!!
1. i didnt like my own culture for the longest time. it wasnt any sort of self hatred or anything like that. i just had really bad experiences with filipino people growing up and my naive self figured that you meet one mean ass filipino bitch than you have practically met them all. i even tried to ease my tensions with this problem by trying to join the fil-am org on campus during my freshman year and even taking tagalog courses on campus. but alas, they all failed and have nonetheless reinforced more of the insecurities that i had developed growing up. i was also never around too many filipino identified people growing up and this feeling of discomfort continued to be with me until probably a little over a year and a half ago when i rejoined the fil-am community at my college to try something new and different in my life. i cant say whether my opinion has changed over the course of this last year and a half but i can be more accepting of things coming my way because i figure thats what being a responsible adult is all about anyways.
2. i have always wanted to get a tattoo or piercing for the longest time, but have abstained in doing so because i figured that ill probably get bored of it right away and be remorseful of even obtaining one in the first place. but if i were to get a tattoo it would probably be something across my chest saying something like "I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS" because everyone knows that sentiment will never ever change up until my last breath of air. i still wouldnt be surprised if i ended up getting one anytime soon but yeah it probably will never happen at the rate im going. its just TOO permanent.
3. i have been fortunate enough to be blessed with a keen sense of reading people for who they really are. this has been a good and a bad thing for me for many reasons. the good thing about it is that i have been able to do an alright job of weeding out who i can trust and consider to be my friends as of now. the obvious downside to this superpower is that i have become too critical of people all the time and am too stubborn to forgive even though i know i have to sometimes. but to be totally honest, some people really have it coming. i mean i might be a bandwagon jumper, but i am not a chameleon. i am one bright rainbow with a plethora of beautiful colors for everyone to take in and enjoy. i dont act one way in front of one person and act another way in front of another. real talk, i keep it real and if you have an inkling that i dont like you then chances are that i dont.
4. i am a very gullible person. i tend to think that i am so gullible because i figure why would anyone want to lie about anything whether it be something simple or something big. i take everything at face value and if you tell me one thing then you better mean it because i will take it to heart. i take words and what people say very seriously because essentially i have to be able to trust you and what you are saying to get to know you better and develop this blossoming friendship. so i cant stand people who blow smoke up my ass or just tell me something just to get out of a potential collision course with the god awful truth.
5. i get annoyed by people who dont act their age. whether youre old and you act too young or you are young and you act too old. its just not cute to me. i dont really get the appeal of having an older person trying to act young. i mean its beyond me how these people cant just grow up already and start realizing that they look like total idiots doing things that girls in middle school do on a daily basis. and talk about young people trying to act older than they really are. its beyond annoying to me to see these little kids trying to sort out their sordid emotions over some emo song or blog. heres my deal, if you havent graduated high school yet then you have no reason whatsoever to be griping about what life means to you. go thank your parents for fucking their brains out and spending their money on you just so you could pollute the world with your idiotic babble about how life should end for you right now. you are young. enjoy it while you can and stop trying to act like 16 is the new mid-life crisis.
6. i usually dont read 95% of these notes pertaining to random facts about people because theyre really not that random. theyre mostly just bullshit hopes and dreams that probably wont come true because a lot of people that ive run into recently are mostly all talk and no action. sure it would be nice to obtain some meaningful comments from people who's opinion i admire to comment on this note, but i truly dont come into this to fish for compliments. its actually a great way for me to just probably write 25 mini notes about issues that i currently have but really am just too lazy to elaborate anymore on it. but for the 5% of the entries that i do read on people, its probably because they actually have some truth to what they write and its definitely not an invitation to the latest pity party college life has to offer.
7. my favorite and lucky number has always been seven. my birth month is seven. in elementary school i was always number seven. and it really has been a good luck charm for me for as long as i can remember. when you go to the casinos and play the slot machines, you want to see as many sevens as you can possibly see throughout the night to hopefully win the big bucks. seven is a good number. and i guess i like the number seven the most because its the only number between 1-10 that has two syllables in it, so that makes it unique and worth noticing in my book.
8. i have been cheated on multiple times in past relationships and i have taken that person back each and every time. my stance on that is simple. being in a relationship with another person is all about developing that bond throughout the whole process whether it be through both good and bad times. i think the good times are just a supplement to the bad times which are the real tests of how strong a relationship between two people are. its always nice to think of the positives in a relationship but id like to think that my past relationships have survived or have not survived due to the aftermath of the more life altering altercations. see i am forgiving and i sometimes allow my heart override my common sense at times. to this day ive never regretted any of those decisions but really only time can tell whether or not they were the correct decisions after all.
9. i have never been good at keeping friends. i dont get bored of people. people are interesting. but i think people are interesting to the point where again i can get super critical of them and end up finding out something about them that makes me not like them anymore. its a slippery slope my non-friend but once youre trending on this road towards mediocracy then its probably time to reevaluate whether or not you and i were meant to be good friends in the first place. its just like any relationship. theres always the honeymoon period where nothing can go wrong. then you hit a milestone and theres extra added pressure and when you dont meet those expectations then shit hits the fan and we try and move on to our next fun fling which leaves all those past memories to be an empty void that just needs to be filled again with new, more invigorating memories. im a friend slut. im in then im out. but sometimes its not really my fault. most of my non-friends just have a lot of growing up to do. a lot.
10. i lost my virginity to a girl at the tender age of 15. after that experience, i wasnt disgusted by the thought of having sex with a female. its just ive had so many great experiences with guys that it was really difficult to start looking at girls the same way again. it was a bit of an addiction. my first experience with a guy was such a rush because every time we would hook up it just felt so taboo. it heightened the experience that much more and when i was a boy slut in high school thats what kind of peaked my interest more than respecting actual relationships. i loved hooking up in bathrooms or behind buildings. i loved holding hands with them while no one else knew. i appreciated the privacy and how behind closed doors everything was. i was able to be a slut without the whole world knowing about it or having people refer to me as one. everything i ever fantasized about doing i did without the whole world ever knowing or suspecting me of it ever.
11. when i was young i was always jealous of all the rich kids who were able to afford to go out to concerts and watch their favorite bands and/or groups perform live. im definitely a late bloomer but my resume in regards to the concerts that i have been to have been impressive and i felt has definitely made up for the concerts i missed out on when i was younger. it all stemmed from me having the chance to go see britney spears in san diego for her "dream within a dream" tour in which she did her epic rain drenched encore performance of "baby one more time". since then i vowed to myself that if ever given the opportunity to go to a concert of a performer that i really like that i would not squander that opportunity for the sake of being too shy or whatever. the first real concert i ever went to was the britney spears "onyx hotel tour" which kind of jump started this whole trend of concert going on my part. since then ive been to two spice girls gigs; one was their first performance on american soil in hollywood since they reunited as a quintet and the other was their reunion concert in los angeles at the staples center. the other was the kanye west "glow in the dark tour" on the date none other than april 20th. now i dont smoke but that concert was amazing and it made me a fan of kanye since then and i didnt really care for him that much before that. of course i was at the epic britney 20-minute concert in san diego in which i was right in the front row admonishing the pop princess within arms length. and im about to see her once again in the most anticipated concerts of the decade in los angeles at the staples center once again for her "circus tour". im definitely all about quality and not so much about quantity when it comes to these things and i feel that ive made up for all those times i said no to going to concerts before.
12. people think i talk shit. and then sometimes people try and talk "shit" with me but i dont think those people understand that talking shit is an art form. some people just come off kind of ignorant and theres no significance to what theyre saying other than theyre just being annoying. if youve ever had a conversation with me and it ended up involving what you consider to be shit talking then you really need to reassess why we are even having this conversation to begin with. i dont just go around to random people talking about random people. we are probably having this discussion because we have both come to a general understanding that we both feel similarly about it. hence this is why this issue is being brought up in the first place. so dont get it twisted people. if im talking to you about somebody i dont like, chances are its because i think or i know that you dont like that person either. so to just clear the air, the shit talking i do is just never a one sided conversation that just entails me spewing out "shit" about other people. it takes two to tango. and im smart enough to know to not get myself in those kinds of situations anymore. trust me. theyre fun at first, but then you get idiotic people involved and you become this target for everyone to hate on. hate on yourselves because everyone is a shit talker at heart. some just do it better than others.
13. like most men in this world, i get distracted by sexual thoughts all the time. unfortunately for myself, i cant do anything about it. it just has to pass. theres no way for me to relieve it. it used to fuck up with my self-confidence before. i always thought i was less of a man because i couldnt do anything about that situation, but i think ive just come to accept it as me just having high standards. in the long run its probably benefitted me to not be able to do something like that because it makes that moment that much more satisfying when im able to accomplish that feat with another person which is the only way ive been able to achieve that winning moment. and ive tried everything to remedy this situation but nothings worked. and by everything i mean everything. i dont know what it is. self-performance anxiety?
14. im obsessed with being thin. im obviously not the thinnest person in the world so i know its more of a mental issue rather than a physical one. ive always admired the male body form in its peak physical state. im a sucker for hard bodies that dont necessarily have to have bulging muscles to tickle my pickle. i always find it to be a quandary of sorts when i obsess over other guys great physiques yet i dont put the same attention or care onto my own. im just awkward like that. i wish i could find the strength to be so self absorbed to want to have that ideal body type. ive just never had that my whole entire life though and its like reversing the tide. its almost impossible but nothings really impossible. i think one day when im older ill be able to realize the full potential of my own physical prowess. but unfortunately it would be a little too late by then and id be considered the creeper stalker guys who prey on young blood at those sketchy gay clubs that offer watered down alcoholic drinks for dirt cheap prices.
15. i have an obsession with female breasts. the bigger the better. i love them actually. i love the way they feel and how soft and supple some are. this sounds very chauvinistic of me but i literally want to stick my face in a nice rack and just make them bounce ferociously to no end. theres something about boobs that really intrigue me. and its definitely not in a sexual manner at all. im just fascinated by them. i guess you could say its a fetish of mine, but i dont exactly know how to define fetish on sexual terms so i guess ill just leave it at that.
16. i people watch. i like taking in mannerisms and imitating them for the sheer joy of other people. its not meant to disrespect, but i think its just natural to observe things and want to imitate it. people sometimes need to see a reflection of themselves and how they act in another body to see how idiotic or awkward they look sometimes. i think my obsession with imitation stems from me trying to get to know the person that much better. my vision is my friend, because my listening skills are actually pretty bad. i dont mean to, but i tune people out sometimes because either something is visually distracting me or theyre saying nothing of importance to me. but if i had to choose id rather be deaf than blind.
17. i used to have a real bad violent streak. i think it was because i used to bottle up all my emotions and the only way for me to express such frustration was to let it all out with physical violence. i have been the aggressor before and it really catches my own self off guard because i never see it coming. im literally blinded with rage and i will not stop until ive imposed enough damage on whatever or whoever i was pummeling on. since one really brutal incident, ive been able to be more direct with my emotions rather than keeping it to myself all the time. i feel that people mistake my frankness as being either bitchy or emotional but it really is just a way for me to not get to a point where i can no longer control all those emotions festering inside of me. i never want to be a slave to my own emotions ever. nowadays i find myself crying a lot more than i have ever had before in my entire life.
18. ive only been in love once in my life. i think for my age being in love at least once is the norm. anymore might be a little bit of a stretch for me. it was the first time i ever met someone that i didnt meet through a friend or through any kind of social network. this guy came out of the blue and i didnt initially think he was attractive at first. but then through some shenanigans on my part i ended finding out that he liked me too. ever since we first met, i have never been afraid to take chances with him. it was the first time in my life that i felt like i could do whatever i wanted because i knew i would always have his support to back me up. as long as it made me happy then i can be sure that he would be happy for me as well. that comfort is still with me today. and even though we arent together anymore i continue to appreciate him more than ever now as one of my best friends.
19. when i told my mom that i was gay i found it surprising to know that she was shocked at the notion. she started rocking back and forth in her bed panicking in her nightgown as i kneeled next to her bed begging her not to be too hysterical so that might dad might potentially hear. i finally felt comfortable in telling her about me being gay because i thought she would instantly accept me for who i was. but it took a while before she finally warmed up to the idea. before she grew accustomed to my new lifestyle, she doubled her dosage of prayers with the hopes that a divine miracle would come and strike me down. but obviously this has only strengthened the bond between us, and i think she respects me that much more because she knows that being gay is not one of the easiest things in the world. and i believe she sympathizes with me and respects the fact that ive grown up to be the mature young man that shes always wanted me to grow up to be. sure we've both had our ups and downs but in the end she will never hesitate to defend me if ever i needed her. i dont know if she'll end up going to my wedding but i have a feeling she will be bursting in tears if she did.
20. im not a big drinker. and ive never been drunk before. alcohol just doesnt do it for me like it does for other people. ive seen the awful effects alcohol has on some peoples judgment and i honestly dont trust being drunk at any of these social functions unless i know someone has a trap door for me to escape to so that i may puke in my own misery. its easier to fall victim to situations when you blame it on being drunk but just like my emotions, i refuse to be a slave to alcohol. it just doesnt look fun to me. and i really dont need to be drunk to have a good time. other people on the other hand need to lay off of some of that happy juice before they pass out and get molested by other drunk fools. thats fucking scandalous!!
21. this may be hard to believe after reading some of these random facts, but the first thing i notice about a guy is their face. if they have a pretty face, then i am all about it. sure there are guys out there with bodies to die for, but if they have an ugly face then you can keep on the hitting the gym but unfortunately your nice body doesnt make up for the fact that your face is fucked up. i really like small eyes and big smiles. theres just something about it that conveys a certain innocence that i kinda like. it seems genuine unlike someone who has a big smile and wide open eyes. chances are youre probably a little nuts if your face looks like that. i think nice smiles in general are killer for me. if your smiling face happens to bring a warmth in my heart then i wouldnt mind waking up to that for the rest of my life.
22. i was a mean girl in high school. i was a mean girl before they even made a movie about mean girls. i initiated burn books and made people feel bad about themselves if they ever decided to mess with me. i was a master manipulator in high school. i guess some things never change, haha! no but ive definitely grown out of that phase of starting trouble for the sake of starting trouble. i dont need to insinuate drama in order to make me seem relevant within any type of social circle. but in high school, i felt a dire need to fit in. and i would barter certain information i knew about people just to obtain friends or feel powerful. i was cocky but i lacked any kind of self confidence in myself. i just never knew where to fit in so in order to be everyones friend i just played whatever fiddle i needed to play to get them to jive along with me. even if it meant hurting people's feelings and making them seem like worthless scum. but hey, some teachers just had it coming.
23. speaking of high school, i used to sell drugs in an attempt to make brand new friends when i first moved to south san diego. i was the naive middle man which would transport the drugs from the high school i went to and take it back to my neighborhood which was about twenty minutes south and sell drugs at that neighborhood high school. i would sell acid tabs, ecstasy, and all that kind of junk that the dare program in elementary school warned you about. i thought i was so cool because i was meeting all these cool people and i felt accepted and wanted. but really i was just the guinea pig and they wouldve never given a shit about me if i didnt have any kind of drugs to supply to them. sure i got paid well at first but i ended quitting that line of business because i ultimately didnt feel comfortable and new that i could afford a more respectable self without the aid of drugs. and that remains true to this day.
24. i tried to live by the notion of if i died tomorrow would i regret anything i did today, and seriously that didnt work. if i died tomorrow i dont even know who would have the balls to show up to my funeral. sure my acquaintances would grieve for me while my friends would see me up until im six feet under or cremated. but i wonder what would the people who despise me think about my death. would they be happy? would they finally come to their senses and realize that their hatred towards me has been super petty? i think if i died those people who hate me now would be the first people to come to my grave site and finally have enough balls to spit on my gravestone. so to those people fuck you for waiting until im six feet under and trapped in a box for you to have the balls to step up to me. you fucking cowards.
25. as i end this note, i realize that i have a lot issues inside me that need to be resolved. i have one person i would call my best friend, and thats really all i need. but all this has yet to even touch the surface as to the kind of person i really am. so if you think you know me then step back and really ask yourself if you do. i feel that there are so many facets to me that people just do not know about. i know people just automatically assume that im a fucker who cant keep his mouth shut. but truth be told, in my experience so far it seems like everyone is talking but im the only one really talking. if i could impart one piece of advice i would say that people are always running their mouths. the term "friend" is so loosely used these days that its disgusting to see how "friendships" work these days. i guess ill never understand why "friends" talk shit about each other but yet swear that these are the same people they would die for if need be. and if i talk shit about you then youre probably not my friend. so dont get it twisted. everyday i see people trying to be cordial and friendly though empty words and gestures. thats just not my cup of tea.