project runway

are you in or are you out?

totally not
ive had a recent fondness for words that are polysyllabic. theres something about a word like 'kilimanjaro' that really tickles my fancy at this current point in time. it just rolls off the tongue so fancifully and yet fun loving at the same time. its definitely more fun than the conversation curtailing word 'totes'. ive grown to despise that half-word. if you can even call that baby talk a word to begin with.

and thats all i really wanted to say. hardee har har!!

trying to fit a square into a circle was a lie
feeling ill, suffering from mental breakdowns and being by yourself in the whole ordeal sucks a whole lot. but i digress.

finding the strength right now to even be awake and jot down my thoughts is a task in itself. but its much needed to help keep the sanity. the bitch is back. or so they say on the hit television show "the hills". the one and only kristin is back to stir up some trouble within the already privileged lives of hollywood socialites. but i find comfort in knowing that there is a personality on that program that will create a little controversy. scripted or not. her addition to the show adds that much more reality cred to the show that it was lacking for such a long time.

spite me if you will for making social commentary on probably one of the most pointless shows to air on television since passions, but lets really break it down for those who fail to realize how incredible kristin is compared to lauren. lauren is a pillar of class steadied on designer stilettos from the trendiest fashion designers. boring! shes lame. anybody who is ever that perfect in life deserves to be slapped in the face and probably in the ass for being so damn annoying. her frankness with her friends on the show is weak. she tries and tries to put herself out there but for the sake of not tainting her image, she never takes it to the next level where it could really stir up some much needed controversy and let the real personas of each character come out to play. its laurens world and everyone is just existing in it. the hills were never really alive as long as she was in it.

now it may be too early for me to say that kristin will make this the most epic season of the hills and possibly the most epic reality show of all time just yet. but i think we have the perfect cast of characters this time around and im pretty sure the producers are going to milk this for every little penny that it is worth. id love to consider the newest season of the hills as laguna beach done better. i loved laguna beach. laguna beach was everything i couldve ever asked for in a reality show because it conveyed the real image of people's nastier demeanors. even lauren biting back here and there made her a likable character from time to time.

but who can argue with kristin and how great she really is. shes blonde. shes beautiful. and she isnt afraid to tell it like it really is. she was the most real person on laguna beach and she never succumbed to the standards of political correctness when it came to how she felt about the busted up bitches on the show. lauren was nowhere near kristin's level on that show and its fitting to see her catch the bouquet and take the reins of the newest season of the hills. seeing lauren being driven off was not only a sendoff but a fond farewell to her blandness. it was symbolic of lauren's reality show life. here i am being replaced by the younger, hotter and more interesting kristin. i guess ill try and be boring somewhere else.

people never watched laguna beach for lauren. everyone watched it for kristin. people who tuned in every week were more riveted by kristin's antics than lauren's perfect barbie dream house on the hills of laguna. the hills practically had to spoon feed lauren with various tasks in order to make her seem tolerable. sooner or later the viewing audience finally accepted lauren into their feeble hearts because we were given no alternative choice. sorry whitney you sucked on the hills and you sucked even harder in the city. poor brunette audrina. if only you stopped looking up into the heavens once in a while you would realize how much cooler you really were compared to lauren.

oh coked out lo and your maniacal attempt at cackling. even your scheming ways couldnt stop lauren's wet blanket from dousing your genuine energy. and people are already commenting on how kristin is still treating this whole experience like it was high school all over again. the sad truth is that those issues in high school dont ever leave. they just become more complicated as life goes on. in what could once be settled over a beauty contest can now be settled with a good old fashioned jerry springer scream off. and yeah stephanie pratt you can shut your mouth because your whore of a mouth is better at cock blocking fame whores from other fame whores.

here i am giving precedence to a show thats probably pulling the wool over our eyes. it can be as fake as professional wrestling. but the bottom line is that it creates a reality worth watching and analyzing. it may not directly pertain to our own lives, but it provides an outsiders perspective into how petty our lives can be if we dont get our minds out of the gutters. we all are guilty of letting our juvenile thoughts get the best of us here and there. i would venture to say that if i my life was a reality show then it would chronicle how messed up of a person i am. but as messed up as i am, its probably more relatable than any fancy job at teen vogue. so kudos to kristin for making the upcoming season of the hills worth watching and talking about. team kristin for life.

create new invites
i cant even begin to explain what tonight meant to me. seeing myself talk about something so passionately makes me realize that this can actually become a reality for me. sure its easy enough to talk myself into thinking that im making some kind of sense. but i just love disagreements along with the acknowledgements of valid points throughout the way. im not one to make blanket statements that sound like a direct rip off of some cheap gas station hallmark card. i love getting to the point im trying to make and validating it with real and concise evidence that is deemed worthy of taking note for future reference. im not robotic. sometimes i underestimate myself and what potentially comes out of my mouth. i do have a voice and i like using it. because behind that voice is a passionate heart and an intelligent mind ready to divulge onto others my inner most feelings and keep an open mind towards conflicting views. i accept differences as long as the person providing that alternative point of view has a clear argument that is open for discussion rather than it being the end all of end all. progression is the key towards better understanding what our life means in the here and now in order to create a solid foundation for our immediate future. im so enthralled by all this. it makes me yearn to learn more about what i am capable of.

sure there are never any concrete answers that can come out of issues that pertain to matters of the heart or anything like that. its definitely specific to the situation and the individuals involved. but in the end, whats most important is that the key to a successful relationship is engraining into your heart and mind a healthy dose of reality whilst keeping your best interest at the forefront of all that you do. because no one wants to agonize over how complicated relationships can be. im not going to wait for my happiness to come around. i define what it means to be happy in my own life. im not bound by unrealistic aspirations anymore. do as you please for i will do the same. its the only way ive ever known to be happy. and you should be happy for me too.

this is going to sound a bit corny but i really dig heart to heart talks. not the fake getting to know you bullshit that barely even touch the surface of delectable issues. but the real heart wrenching issues that long to see the light of day. it helps build the foundation of trust between people when you know that you can have a conversation about the most controversial of issues and still come out feeling golden in the end. i dont know. thats how i felt tonight. i was very opinionated and i held my ground. but it was refreshing to not be attacked for what i believed in for once in my life. so thank you for listening. i really appreciate it. whether or not you agreed with me and my point of view, you kept all your keen senses open to the fact that i, as do you, hold so much respect for the positions that we carry.

its nearing the 5am mark. i cant remember the last time i had a real good night sleep. tonight may potentially be the first in a while. ive never felt more better about myself than i have had in a very long time. im kind of over all the games and the drama. one more thing id like to mention that i kind of forgot to mention the last time i wrote in here was that drama is always there. just when you think you found an escape from all the drama in your life, it comes back at you in full force even when youre not even looking for it. in this game of hide and seek, ive been found but i dont exactly know who was "it". the point im trying to make is that the only person who knows me best is me, myself and i. your everyday friend would not even begin to know how to piece this unorthodox puzzle together. my thoughts, just like my wardrobe, change constantly. and i personally dont think its fair for you to judge me on such a sensitive scale based on what some random stranger told you about me. i deserve more respect than that. clearly.

im loving this music. im feeling free. just spinning on the dance floor, thats where i want to be. if you like to boogie, come look for me. just spinning on the dance floor because its so heavenly.

i like how we have to begin a whole rant by initially stating "ok, real talk..." and then going on about some bullshit that has nothing to do with being real, genuine, or even remotely true. i, myself, have been guilty of using such a phrase in order to get people to care enough to listen. its a force of habit a majority of the time. that and a lot of my so-called friends use it a lot. maybe i should get a new set of friends that would care enough to listen in the first place rather than have me force my ideals, opinions, or thoughts down their throats whenever i feel the need to speak whats in my mind and in my heart.

speaking of heart, i dont necessarily know if i have one nowadays. i think it took a vacation with my mind as they stroll hand in hand on the beach while my empty shell is left figuring how all the wrong answers are right and why the right answers feel so wrong. a lot of my complacency stems from a lot of different factors in my life at the moment. i vowed to be on this whole trend of living my life effortlessly. but what i failed to understand is that i need to establish myself as an individual before i could even consider kicking my feet up and enjoying life. i figure that life is always going to be problematic. the important part in all this is how we react to the situation and not the situation itself. i can either come out smelling like a rose or smelling like poo, but if i can look back at it and be humble and learn from it then i can stake my claim as someone who is secure and confident with his decision making.

so my goal in life at the moment is to strive to live my life as effortlessly as i possibly can. this doesnt mean that i strive to be lazy. i just want to be in a place in my life in which i can provide myself the best possible opportunity to succeed for myself. it sounds a bit selfish, but i want to be grounded. not "cloister myself in a room because i did something bad"-grounded but "get my shit to smell like roses"-grounded. it seems so easy on paper. i can formulate it to the T but its never as simple as that. there are always a lot of incidentals that are beyond my control. and more than ever, the random thoughts that run endless marathons in my mind are what cloud my judgment the most. i wish i can let go. i wish i can understand. i wish i can take things at face value. i wish i can be real all the time. its not that im not real or genuine. i just cant find the confidence in myself to own up to my feelings sometimes.

this is how this whole rant started and why i initially felt the need to write something up. i cant handle rejection. maybe i lie to myself and tell myself that this whole soul searching quest is essential to my life when really i cant begin to imagine what its really like to follow ones heart or to just be painfully honest to those you secretly care about the most. a lot of the times these advances can be deemed petty within real life standards. but deep down inside im a bit of a hopeless romantic with a really hard exterior. its difficult to relay in words what thats all about, but its really something thats pretty evident when youre around someone like me. and by romantic i dont mean head over heels in love with you that needs to be cemented with a ring and a wedding. but i just really love seeing the more optimistic and positive side of things. sometimes that view gets obstructed by the real world and all of its negativity. but thats where i strive to live effortlessly and hope that this car ride of life can endure all of the torrential weather that is to be expected. i hope i can just flip a switch and just wipe it all away in one swipe so that i may continue on a clear path towards the finer things in life.

a wise pop star once said that the cruelest things in life can be pretty damn cruel. but you wouldnt be able to experience the finer things in life without that cruelty. i think my purpose at this moment is to set a milestone for myself that i can pursue from here on out. language and words mean a whole lot to me. so at least i know that my thoughts spewing onto this entry is something that has the potential to come to fruition one day. so let me end this by raising a glass in the air and giving cheers and thanks to taking that milestone of a step towards bettering the me that deserves to be me.

i only like pussycats
this is a bit random but i think its kind of weird when girls refer to their private parts as a "pussy". sure it draws the laughs from the more immature crowds at times, but people have limits and this is mine. i guess if i was to choose a word that i just dont like hearing or whatever it probably would be "pussy". i dont necessarily find it vulgar, but its just one of those words that quiets a room and makes it difficult to just maybe digress from such a powerful word.

and its not like ive been thinking about "pussy" all day. i mean when do i ever really? but this was prompted from the recent video out there of britney exclaiming accidentally over her live mic that her "pussy was hanging out". at first i found it a little amusing. maybe its just me, but id rather not hear her refer to her vagina as a "pussy". whatever. omg that britney is shameless. i love it.

here is the link to the video for future reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxhPDpRBv4s

heres 25 things you probably dont and wouldnt want to know about me. lets go!!

1. i didnt like my own culture for the longest time. it wasnt any sort of self hatred or anything like that. i just had really bad experiences with filipino people growing up and my naive self figured that you meet one mean ass filipino bitch than you have practically met them all. i even tried to ease my tensions with this problem by trying to join the fil-am org on campus during my freshman year and even taking tagalog courses on campus. but alas, they all failed and have nonetheless reinforced more of the insecurities that i had developed growing up. i was also never around too many filipino identified people growing up and this feeling of discomfort continued to be with me until probably a little over a year and a half ago when i rejoined the fil-am community at my college to try something new and different in my life. i cant say whether my opinion has changed over the course of this last year and a half but i can be more accepting of things coming my way because i figure thats what being a responsible adult is all about anyways.

2. i have always wanted to get a tattoo or piercing for the longest time, but have abstained in doing so because i figured that ill probably get bored of it right away and be remorseful of even obtaining one in the first place. but if i were to get a tattoo it would probably be something across my chest saying something like "I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS" because everyone knows that sentiment will never ever change up until my last breath of air. i still wouldnt be surprised if i ended up getting one anytime soon but yeah it probably will never happen at the rate im going. its just TOO permanent.

3. i have been fortunate enough to be blessed with a keen sense of reading people for who they really are. this has been a good and a bad thing for me for many reasons. the good thing about it is that i have been able to do an alright job of weeding out who i can trust and consider to be my friends as of now. the obvious downside to this superpower is that i have become too critical of people all the time and am too stubborn to forgive even though i know i have to sometimes. but to be totally honest, some people really have it coming. i mean i might be a bandwagon jumper, but i am not a chameleon. i am one bright rainbow with a plethora of beautiful colors for everyone to take in and enjoy. i dont act one way in front of one person and act another way in front of another. real talk, i keep it real and if you have an inkling that i dont like you then chances are that i dont.

4. i am a very gullible person. i tend to think that i am so gullible because i figure why would anyone want to lie about anything whether it be something simple or something big. i take everything at face value and if you tell me one thing then you better mean it because i will take it to heart. i take words and what people say very seriously because essentially i have to be able to trust you and what you are saying to get to know you better and develop this blossoming friendship. so i cant stand people who blow smoke up my ass or just tell me something just to get out of a potential collision course with the god awful truth.

5. i get annoyed by people who dont act their age. whether youre old and you act too young or you are young and you act too old. its just not cute to me. i dont really get the appeal of having an older person trying to act young. i mean its beyond me how these people cant just grow up already and start realizing that they look like total idiots doing things that girls in middle school do on a daily basis. and talk about young people trying to act older than they really are. its beyond annoying to me to see these little kids trying to sort out their sordid emotions over some emo song or blog. heres my deal, if you havent graduated high school yet then you have no reason whatsoever to be griping about what life means to you. go thank your parents for fucking their brains out and spending their money on you just so you could pollute the world with your idiotic babble about how life should end for you right now. you are young. enjoy it while you can and stop trying to act like 16 is the new mid-life crisis.

6. i usually dont read 95% of these notes pertaining to random facts about people because theyre really not that random. theyre mostly just bullshit hopes and dreams that probably wont come true because a lot of people that ive run into recently are mostly all talk and no action. sure it would be nice to obtain some meaningful comments from people who's opinion i admire to comment on this note, but i truly dont come into this to fish for compliments. its actually a great way for me to just probably write 25 mini notes about issues that i currently have but really am just too lazy to elaborate anymore on it. but for the 5% of the entries that i do read on people, its probably because they actually have some truth to what they write and its definitely not an invitation to the latest pity party college life has to offer.

7. my favorite and lucky number has always been seven. my birth month is seven. in elementary school i was always number seven. and it really has been a good luck charm for me for as long as i can remember. when you go to the casinos and play the slot machines, you want to see as many sevens as you can possibly see throughout the night to hopefully win the big bucks. seven is a good number. and i guess i like the number seven the most because its the only number between 1-10 that has two syllables in it, so that makes it unique and worth noticing in my book.

8. i have been cheated on multiple times in past relationships and i have taken that person back each and every time. my stance on that is simple. being in a relationship with another person is all about developing that bond throughout the whole process whether it be through both good and bad times. i think the good times are just a supplement to the bad times which are the real tests of how strong a relationship between two people are. its always nice to think of the positives in a relationship but id like to think that my past relationships have survived or have not survived due to the aftermath of the more life altering altercations. see i am forgiving and i sometimes allow my heart override my common sense at times. to this day ive never regretted any of those decisions but really only time can tell whether or not they were the correct decisions after all.

9. i have never been good at keeping friends. i dont get bored of people. people are interesting. but i think people are interesting to the point where again i can get super critical of them and end up finding out something about them that makes me not like them anymore. its a slippery slope my non-friend but once youre trending on this road towards mediocracy then its probably time to reevaluate whether or not you and i were meant to be good friends in the first place. its just like any relationship. theres always the honeymoon period where nothing can go wrong. then you hit a milestone and theres extra added pressure and when you dont meet those expectations then shit hits the fan and we try and move on to our next fun fling which leaves all those past memories to be an empty void that just needs to be filled again with new, more invigorating memories. im a friend slut. im in then im out. but sometimes its not really my fault. most of my non-friends just have a lot of growing up to do. a lot.

10. i lost my virginity to a girl at the tender age of 15. after that experience, i wasnt disgusted by the thought of having sex with a female. its just ive had so many great experiences with guys that it was really difficult to start looking at girls the same way again. it was a bit of an addiction. my first experience with a guy was such a rush because every time we would hook up it just felt so taboo. it heightened the experience that much more and when i was a boy slut in high school thats what kind of peaked my interest more than respecting actual relationships. i loved hooking up in bathrooms or behind buildings. i loved holding hands with them while no one else knew. i appreciated the privacy and how behind closed doors everything was. i was able to be a slut without the whole world knowing about it or having people refer to me as one. everything i ever fantasized about doing i did without the whole world ever knowing or suspecting me of it ever.

11. when i was young i was always jealous of all the rich kids who were able to afford to go out to concerts and watch their favorite bands and/or groups perform live. im definitely a late bloomer but my resume in regards to the concerts that i have been to have been impressive and i felt has definitely made up for the concerts i missed out on when i was younger. it all stemmed from me having the chance to go see britney spears in san diego for her "dream within a dream" tour in which she did her epic rain drenched encore performance of "baby one more time". since then i vowed to myself that if ever given the opportunity to go to a concert of a performer that i really like that i would not squander that opportunity for the sake of being too shy or whatever. the first real concert i ever went to was the britney spears "onyx hotel tour" which kind of jump started this whole trend of concert going on my part. since then ive been to two spice girls gigs; one was their first performance on american soil in hollywood since they reunited as a quintet and the other was their reunion concert in los angeles at the staples center. the other was the kanye west "glow in the dark tour" on the date none other than april 20th. now i dont smoke but that concert was amazing and it made me a fan of kanye since then and i didnt really care for him that much before that. of course i was at the epic britney 20-minute concert in san diego in which i was right in the front row admonishing the pop princess within arms length. and im about to see her once again in the most anticipated concerts of the decade in los angeles at the staples center once again for her "circus tour". im definitely all about quality and not so much about quantity when it comes to these things and i feel that ive made up for all those times i said no to going to concerts before.

12. people think i talk shit. and then sometimes people try and talk "shit" with me but i dont think those people understand that talking shit is an art form. some people just come off kind of ignorant and theres no significance to what theyre saying other than theyre just being annoying. if youve ever had a conversation with me and it ended up involving what you consider to be shit talking then you really need to reassess why we are even having this conversation to begin with. i dont just go around to random people talking about random people. we are probably having this discussion because we have both come to a general understanding that we both feel similarly about it. hence this is why this issue is being brought up in the first place. so dont get it twisted people. if im talking to you about somebody i dont like, chances are its because i think or i know that you dont like that person either. so to just clear the air, the shit talking i do is just never a one sided conversation that just entails me spewing out "shit" about other people. it takes two to tango. and im smart enough to know to not get myself in those kinds of situations anymore. trust me. theyre fun at first, but then you get idiotic people involved and you become this target for everyone to hate on. hate on yourselves because everyone is a shit talker at heart. some just do it better than others.

13. like most men in this world, i get distracted by sexual thoughts all the time. unfortunately for myself, i cant do anything about it. it just has to pass. theres no way for me to relieve it. it used to fuck up with my self-confidence before. i always thought i was less of a man because i couldnt do anything about that situation, but i think ive just come to accept it as me just having high standards. in the long run its probably benefitted me to not be able to do something like that because it makes that moment that much more satisfying when im able to accomplish that feat with another person which is the only way ive been able to achieve that winning moment. and ive tried everything to remedy this situation but nothings worked. and by everything i mean everything. i dont know what it is. self-performance anxiety?

14. im obsessed with being thin. im obviously not the thinnest person in the world so i know its more of a mental issue rather than a physical one. ive always admired the male body form in its peak physical state. im a sucker for hard bodies that dont necessarily have to have bulging muscles to tickle my pickle. i always find it to be a quandary of sorts when i obsess over other guys great physiques yet i dont put the same attention or care onto my own. im just awkward like that. i wish i could find the strength to be so self absorbed to want to have that ideal body type. ive just never had that my whole entire life though and its like reversing the tide. its almost impossible but nothings really impossible. i think one day when im older ill be able to realize the full potential of my own physical prowess. but unfortunately it would be a little too late by then and id be considered the creeper stalker guys who prey on young blood at those sketchy gay clubs that offer watered down alcoholic drinks for dirt cheap prices.

15. i have an obsession with female breasts. the bigger the better. i love them actually. i love the way they feel and how soft and supple some are. this sounds very chauvinistic of me but i literally want to stick my face in a nice rack and just make them bounce ferociously to no end. theres something about boobs that really intrigue me. and its definitely not in a sexual manner at all. im just fascinated by them. i guess you could say its a fetish of mine, but i dont exactly know how to define fetish on sexual terms so i guess ill just leave it at that.

16. i people watch. i like taking in mannerisms and imitating them for the sheer joy of other people. its not meant to disrespect, but i think its just natural to observe things and want to imitate it. people sometimes need to see a reflection of themselves and how they act in another body to see how idiotic or awkward they look sometimes. i think my obsession with imitation stems from me trying to get to know the person that much better. my vision is my friend, because my listening skills are actually pretty bad. i dont mean to, but i tune people out sometimes because either something is visually distracting me or theyre saying nothing of importance to me. but if i had to choose id rather be deaf than blind.

17. i used to have a real bad violent streak. i think it was because i used to bottle up all my emotions and the only way for me to express such frustration was to let it all out with physical violence. i have been the aggressor before and it really catches my own self off guard because i never see it coming. im literally blinded with rage and i will not stop until ive imposed enough damage on whatever or whoever i was pummeling on. since one really brutal incident, ive been able to be more direct with my emotions rather than keeping it to myself all the time. i feel that people mistake my frankness as being either bitchy or emotional but it really is just a way for me to not get to a point where i can no longer control all those emotions festering inside of me. i never want to be a slave to my own emotions ever. nowadays i find myself crying a lot more than i have ever had before in my entire life.

18. ive only been in love once in my life. i think for my age being in love at least once is the norm. anymore might be a little bit of a stretch for me. it was the first time i ever met someone that i didnt meet through a friend or through any kind of social network. this guy came out of the blue and i didnt initially think he was attractive at first. but then through some shenanigans on my part i ended finding out that he liked me too. ever since we first met, i have never been afraid to take chances with him. it was the first time in my life that i felt like i could do whatever i wanted because i knew i would always have his support to back me up. as long as it made me happy then i can be sure that he would be happy for me as well. that comfort is still with me today. and even though we arent together anymore i continue to appreciate him more than ever now as one of my best friends.

19. when i told my mom that i was gay i found it surprising to know that she was shocked at the notion. she started rocking back and forth in her bed panicking in her nightgown as i kneeled next to her bed begging her not to be too hysterical so that might dad might potentially hear. i finally felt comfortable in telling her about me being gay because i thought she would instantly accept me for who i was. but it took a while before she finally warmed up to the idea. before she grew accustomed to my new lifestyle, she doubled her dosage of prayers with the hopes that a divine miracle would come and strike me down. but obviously this has only strengthened the bond between us, and i think she respects me that much more because she knows that being gay is not one of the easiest things in the world. and i believe she sympathizes with me and respects the fact that ive grown up to be the mature young man that shes always wanted me to grow up to be. sure we've both had our ups and downs but in the end she will never hesitate to defend me if ever i needed her. i dont know if she'll end up going to my wedding but i have a feeling she will be bursting in tears if she did.

20. im not a big drinker. and ive never been drunk before. alcohol just doesnt do it for me like it does for other people. ive seen the awful effects alcohol has on some peoples judgment and i honestly dont trust being drunk at any of these social functions unless i know someone has a trap door for me to escape to so that i may puke in my own misery. its easier to fall victim to situations when you blame it on being drunk but just like my emotions, i refuse to be a slave to alcohol. it just doesnt look fun to me. and i really dont need to be drunk to have a good time. other people on the other hand need to lay off of some of that happy juice before they pass out and get molested by other drunk fools. thats fucking scandalous!!

21. this may be hard to believe after reading some of these random facts, but the first thing i notice about a guy is their face. if they have a pretty face, then i am all about it. sure there are guys out there with bodies to die for, but if they have an ugly face then you can keep on the hitting the gym but unfortunately your nice body doesnt make up for the fact that your face is fucked up. i really like small eyes and big smiles. theres just something about it that conveys a certain innocence that i kinda like. it seems genuine unlike someone who has a big smile and wide open eyes. chances are youre probably a little nuts if your face looks like that. i think nice smiles in general are killer for me. if your smiling face happens to bring a warmth in my heart then i wouldnt mind waking up to that for the rest of my life.

22. i was a mean girl in high school. i was a mean girl before they even made a movie about mean girls. i initiated burn books and made people feel bad about themselves if they ever decided to mess with me. i was a master manipulator in high school. i guess some things never change, haha! no but ive definitely grown out of that phase of starting trouble for the sake of starting trouble. i dont need to insinuate drama in order to make me seem relevant within any type of social circle. but in high school, i felt a dire need to fit in. and i would barter certain information i knew about people just to obtain friends or feel powerful. i was cocky but i lacked any kind of self confidence in myself. i just never knew where to fit in so in order to be everyones friend i just played whatever fiddle i needed to play to get them to jive along with me. even if it meant hurting people's feelings and making them seem like worthless scum. but hey, some teachers just had it coming.

23. speaking of high school, i used to sell drugs in an attempt to make brand new friends when i first moved to south san diego. i was the naive middle man which would transport the drugs from the high school i went to and take it back to my neighborhood which was about twenty minutes south and sell drugs at that neighborhood high school. i would sell acid tabs, ecstasy, and all that kind of junk that the dare program in elementary school warned you about. i thought i was so cool because i was meeting all these cool people and i felt accepted and wanted. but really i was just the guinea pig and they wouldve never given a shit about me if i didnt have any kind of drugs to supply to them. sure i got paid well at first but i ended quitting that line of business because i ultimately didnt feel comfortable and new that i could afford a more respectable self without the aid of drugs. and that remains true to this day.

24. i tried to live by the notion of if i died tomorrow would i regret anything i did today, and seriously that didnt work. if i died tomorrow i dont even know who would have the balls to show up to my funeral. sure my acquaintances would grieve for me while my friends would see me up until im six feet under or cremated. but i wonder what would the people who despise me think about my death. would they be happy? would they finally come to their senses and realize that their hatred towards me has been super petty? i think if i died those people who hate me now would be the first people to come to my grave site and finally have enough balls to spit on my gravestone. so to those people fuck you for waiting until im six feet under and trapped in a box for you to have the balls to step up to me. you fucking cowards.

25. as i end this note, i realize that i have a lot issues inside me that need to be resolved. i have one person i would call my best friend, and thats really all i need. but all this has yet to even touch the surface as to the kind of person i really am. so if you think you know me then step back and really ask yourself if you do. i feel that there are so many facets to me that people just do not know about. i know people just automatically assume that im a fucker who cant keep his mouth shut. but truth be told, in my experience so far it seems like everyone is talking but im the only one really talking. if i could impart one piece of advice i would say that people are always running their mouths. the term "friend" is so loosely used these days that its disgusting to see how "friendships" work these days. i guess ill never understand why "friends" talk shit about each other but yet swear that these are the same people they would die for if need be. and if i talk shit about you then youre probably not my friend. so dont get it twisted. everyday i see people trying to be cordial and friendly though empty words and gestures. thats just not my cup of tea.

the end.

just because this is epic for me
ive been spending money this weekend as if i had any money to spend. but theres just no other way to explain how ecstatic i am over my most recent purchase. upon waiting on britney's gma performance, i was en route to ordering tickets to her concert on ticketmaster when i realized i left my wallet in my car. being the spastic individual that i am, i frantically tried to call my mom to see if i could "borrow" her credit card to order the tickets. amazingly enough she had to call me back because she "lost" her credit card, and i was just like what the fuck is this fuckery all about.

so its not like my car was far or anything like that but it definitely required me to go outside and brave the cold weather in my undies in order to get the wallet from my car. i probably looked and sounded like an idiot as i huffed and puffed over to my car. halfway through sprinting to my car i couldnt breathe from the cold air grasping my lungs, but my adrenaline kept me going as i hurried back to my place with the hopes that my tickets were still reserved. i literally threw myself onto the bed at this point and typed as fast as my fat fingers could type in order to get this order processed.

but the ends totally justify the means, as i am a very proud owner of two lower level seats to what will be the biggest concert ever in los angeles. my initial reaction was just to be blank as the last ten minutes had just been the biggest blur. but i was awaken from my stupor with the familiar sounds of the first 10 seconds of circus as britney spears was debuting her song on good morning america. as soon as her performance was finished i suddenly realized what i had just done. i guess it would be like committing a murder. yeah, a murder to my poor wallet already on life support.

i guess a lot can happen in just a couple days. last week i was hoarding my precious dollars away in a cave only spending money on the essential things in life to fucking donald trump mentality thinking i could afford all this hoopla on top of trying to afford this new place. i need to find my center once again and find a good balance in my life once again. i have been out of control, but at least im not passing up on these key opportunities to bring a little more joy into my life. i say if it makes me happy then im all about being poor, haha. keep doing you buddy. because doing you is what got you here in the first place.

some things just never get old
this turned out to be a monday to remember as i was lucky enough to catch yelle perform on the ucsd campus for free today. i still cant imagine how ucsd pulled that off, but im glad they did because it was definitely such a great experience to catch her in such an outdoor performance such as that. im all about just chilling and having a great time, and for that one hour she was out performing i did. not to mention i got to experience it with some of the most fun loving people i know. today was definitely not your usual case of the mondays.

my last update in this journal had me documenting my latest updates to my life which included my newest job venture, training in a foreign city, and concluding on how wonderful my summer had been. again it had to be one of the most beneficial summers for myself because it was just me getting back what i probably had been missing out on in years past. i wasnt necessarily cloistered away from life, but i took the opportunity to really just take that blind leap of fate and just do things. luckily for me, i experienced some of my most memorable moments at those random times and it will definitely be difficult to top such moments. they were amazing!

nowadays you can find me working once again in retail. things are a bit different this time around. it gets really hard to explain how a college education has landed me back into retail, but i figured that to get to where i essentially want to be in life, i feel that this is the ideal path for me to take in order to achieve it. it might be hard for some people to comprehend such a notion, but my life is all about following my passion and what makes me happy as a person. up until now, ive always had to play with the cards that i had been dealt with by others who really didnt have my best interest in mind. now im all about just taking my own initiative and doing whats best for me regardless of others peoples objections towards it.

as i write this i figure its a bit monumental to note that this online journal has been a consistent companion of mine since my sophomore year in high school. i dont write as often as i did back then, but it is nice to be able to come back to it whenever i feel the notion to just get whatever i need out of my chest. i have never really divulged my most deepest darkest secret on here, but it is a good measure of what kind of state of mind ill be in in that moment. and right now, i am happy.

i am happy that im finally moving out into my own place for once in my life. this milestone has been long overdue, but im a firm believer that things happen whenever they are supposed to happen. ive been really keen about making sure that i am ready and i feel that i am. its still an intimidating prospect for me, but i think this whole experience of going through all this and accepting more responsibility than i have ever had before will help shape me into a more well rounded person than i feel that i already am.

this is a bit random. just because youre book smart or even just marginally smart, it doesnt make you a good person or one with any kind of common sense. you would think that if they were good enough to be accepted to such a college they would be at least mature and adult in the way they carry themselves. but alas it just goes to show that some people are just hopeless cases. after learning the hard way, ive come to realize that you are who you hang out with in life. and ive figured that im better off taking quality over quantity.

ok that was a bout of bitterness and anger there for a slight second. i was just reminded of something that perturbed me a couple weeks ago when someone proclaimed to be something they were not and a foolish flock came to their rescue by reassuring all the lies through meaningless gestures that was reminiscent of high school yearbook dedications. i just get really angry when people deny the truth for the sake of perpetuating lies. dont be a fool. dont let these outsiders come in and trick you into believing that theyre good natured people. when the real truth is that the things they proclaim that they hate are the exact same things that they do to other people.

wow talk about a rant. i wish i could elaborate more on that issue, but i feel that if youre not intelligent enough to recognize all the fake people out there then you probably deserve to fall into that hell hole along with the rest of those mongers. forgiveness is always there for those who choose to accept it. but aside from that, i cant really give anything else to your cause.

i guess i have been known to keep my entries long because as soon as the reader hits the second paragraph their attention is already diverted to something else going on around them. so if you are one of the few who is able to get this far then congratulations. you either dont have anything else better to do than read about my boring life or you are one of my close friends who give a damn about me and will probably call me about it later to see what im talking about. either way i appreciate my journal still being a great source of getting to know me for close to eight years now. i dont know if ill ever give this addiction up, but no matter what ill still be true to what has given me the most joy in life. myself.

being all grown up for once
i wanted to say before i started that this has been one of the best summers of my life. no joke. this past summer was so insane with so many new and exciting things going on in my life. that would never have been possible without everyone who are just down ass homies. its pretty nice, but now its business time. time to work hard, but play even harder.

so here i am posting from what they call the "business link" room here at the embassy suites in brea. for the past two weeks, i have been training at an h&m store here to help in the launching of two new stores in san diego. i am very excited to be a part of this new venture and i hope that i essentially establish a career for myself with this company as well.

this new career opportunity caught me off guard and i literally jumped at the chance to work with them as soon as the offer for a job came up. it was the weekend that i was in vegas with some of the coolest people in the world, when i got a phone call as soon as we had arrived and settled into our hotel. it was definitely the phone call that i had been anticipating for a while. especially since i was definitely on the verge of being pretty broke and anxious to hear back from at least one of the jobs that i had applied all summer long for.

now i will admit that this job was definitely not the first choice i had in mind, but its definitely a step in the right direction for my own life. i no longer have the pressure of having to settle for any job now that i was accepted by at least one of the companies that i had applied for. secondly, it gives my parents comfort in knowing that im not going to be bumming it at home or spending more of the money that i dont have with my friends going out or whatnot. so i think all in all this decision to take this job was a good one.

i am completing my final week of work training here. since being here in brea, i have been able to make it home a couple times with my stay being no longer than a day or two. i think it was ideal for the company to send me out to train in a city "far" away from san diego because i really get a chance to take in this whole business/travel lifestyle. since leaving for vegas, i have been living out of a suitcase and really trying to find the means to entertain myself in a city that i absolutely know nothing about. but i think thats the fun and experience that im supposed to gain out of this. it was tough at first to be out of my comfort zone, but day by day ive been learning to adapt and take in everything that is going on around me.

i have made a couple changes in my life that i hope will also remain a constant when i get back to san diego. im going to miss this pampered lifestyle of living out of a beautiful hotel where the complimentary breakfasts are worth waking up to in the morning and the endless wells of drinks never find a way to satisfy my thirst as im always coming back for more. i have always had this in my mind for myself when i was young to be that young executive staying at lavish hotels and living it up. now that ive had but a taste of it i know that this can be something that i can get used to hopefully in the near future.

i miss san diego. i miss my family, friends, and most of all my puppies at home. its going to be tough leaving brea on sunday though and returning back to san diego. but these last three weeks have helped open my eyes to new opportunities and help me realize the potential that i do have to succeed after college. after watching chris rock the other night in my room, i realized that the choices i make today in regards to my life have to be commitments that i make to myself that will help benefit my future. i can no longer just obtain a job for the sake of having one. i have to work up to establish a career for myself. something that i can be proud of and happy with. and something that i know i can love to do for a very long time.

its pretty rare that i update these days. especially compared to how i used to update all the time before. but i will say that spending three weeks on my own has got me yearning to just have an ear to listen to once in a while. so for now this entry will do until i come back to san diego and try to explore what this new venture in my life has to offer.

i just wanted to add that i feel very weird updating my journal in such a public setting. sure there are only two computers in this room, but im so used to updating my journal within the comforts of my home on my trusty laptop. and the stupid internet browser doesnt allow me to access facebook. what the eff is that?! i guess i have to continue to depend on my iphone for my connection to the world. and i have to say, the iphone is the best non-human traveling companion that i can ever think of. that and instant noodles. i love me some instant noodles.

better the devil you know than the devil you dont
last night i ran into an old acquaintance from high school at the most random venue. okay so i was at the casino again, but thats not important. from afar i was staring at this girl who was staring back at me, and i couldnt help but wonder if i had met this girl previously. i pretend to mind my own business and stare aimlessly around me to find the right opportunity to look back again. trying to be inconspicuous, i turn back around only now to find her waving at me frantically from afar. at the risk of not looking like a fool and waving back immediately just in case she wasnt directing her greeting to me, i had a dumbfounded look on my face pretending to be squinting over in her direction as if i was blind. i finally realized that it was who i thought it was and i was amazed at how random this occurrence really was.

i finished my business and walked over to her in which she immediately gave me a big hug. surprised i hugged back not really knowing what to make of such a kind gesture from someone who ive considered a stranger for almost eight years now. the background behind this person is simple. she was the connecting link between myself and my first ever boyfriend. so she played a significant role in playing the middle man between two shy, gay high schoolers who were too manly to ever express feelings of love and emotion to one another. she became the quintessential fag hag for the both of us as she played cupid.

seeing as how i have never been in a relationship with a guy before, let alone anyone, i proceeded with caution as to how i would approach this burgeoning connection. it also didnt hurt that i thought this guy was the sweetest piece of eye candy that i had ever laid my eyes on. let me just say that he pretty much set the standard for the guys that i have dated after him. i dont really like to place certain criteria for the guys that im attracted to, but i am a sucker for bald headed guys with chinky looking eyes.

anyways, catching up with this girl last night was really interesting. she updated me on her life and what she has been up to. a part of me got the feeling that she is the kind of person to over exaggerate just a little bit to keep up with the jones' if you know what i mean. it was obvious that this girl had gone nowhere in life and that she pretty much found herself to be exactly where she was five years ago with nothing but a high school diploma to show for all her efforts. i wasnt necessarily looking down upon her but it was just easy to see through her whole charade of "im this" and "im that" when really she has nothing to show for it. i bring this up because i totally could have been her five years ago. i felt out of place in my college and i thought i couldnt amount to nothing more than my high school diploma. she was my mirror. that could have been me if i decided not to pursue higher education.

dont get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with the lifestyle that she is leading for herself right now. different strokes for different folks you know. i just realized last night that if i hadnt pushed myself harder during those times where i felt helpless than i might not be as fierce and fabulous as i am right now. now i know thats saying a lot, but im kinda glad that i just didnt just settle for less and rest on my laurels then. because i definitely have a lot more opportunities with this college degree to do a lot more than i ever would have been able to do with just a measly high school diploma. that and i feel that college has made me such a better writer and has really improved my vocabulary. because i was reading some old journal entries, and man was that some garbage. it was real, but it was real garbage. ha!

i couldnt resist myself and ask her what my exboyfriend was up to. actually it was she who had insinuated that conversation first at her mention of her only going to las vegas once a year to visit him. that was a stretch but she somehow found a way to bring him into the conversation even though i was nowhere even close to leaning in that direction. so i obliged and asked her how he was doing. she said that he was now living in las vegas with his high school diploma and working as a manager for a money lending corporation. i guess if you were to work for a company like that the most ideal place to do it in is in las vegas. i feigned a really half hearted enthusiastic smile on my face and from that reaction she knew i wasnt really impressed. we are just in two totally different worlds right now. maybe im just too posh, but im definitely happy at where i currently am at the moment.

to elaborate on that really quickly. i remember in middle school i would always be labeled as the rich kid. mind you i came from a really poor neighborhood and was probably in the same financial standing as the majority of my class or maybe even worse off. and we were only allowed to wear black and white uniforms in middle school. i wore the same school issued uniform as everyone else but i was still labeled as the rich boy by my peers and pretty much everyone who ever knew me. i guess ive always come off as posh to everyone that i have encountered in my life. ive just been able to embrace a different sense of self that was way beyond my years as a youth growing up in the ghetto. i envisioned bigger and grander things for myself. and i think the gay gene totally kicked in and made me more sensible in making fashionable decisions in life. i was the only one to order the cardigan in my class. which was utterly useless because wearing and owning a cardigan in san diego is so ridiculous. but it was me and i wanted it. i was posh like that even at such a young age. and i really would not accept anything less for myself.

and with that i end another really long entry. i just thought it was amazing to see someone who i hadnt seen in such a long time and see how different our lives were. it inspired me to write this and reflect back on myself and where i currently am in my life right now. i dont feel bad for being just simply who i really have been since i could ever remember. these days its difficult to be posh without people thinking that youre too intimidating or too good for anyone. some people even go as far as hating on you for having such an impressive lifestyle. theres just way too much negativity out there already, but to hate on someone for simply having their own high standards in life is just insane. but people hate for a reason and its because they always hate on the things that they cant have in their own lives. its hard to find the balance between being relatable and just being able to have some standards in your life. but for now, ive learned that the best way to live your life is to do exactly that. live your own life without having to compromise yourself and other peoples selves. if people are assholes in real life then let them be assholes. obviously they can sleep better at night knowing that they are assholes. as for me, i can sleep better knowing that one day those assholes are going to one day spit shine my shoes. haha maybe not, but thats what gets me to have the sweetest dreams.


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